Alone Is Something You'll Be Quite A Lot..

Monday, February 26, 2018

My whole life, I have been pretty alone. Granted, I grew up in a large-ish family, but that had it's own set of issues unrelated to this.

For the most part, I only had one or two friends that I considered real friends. And even though I moved around a lot, I kept in touch with those friends. Even into my adult years. My adult years have come with their own challenges, though, in the friendship department.

Alone Is Something You'll Be Quite A Lot..

You see, I had my first daughter when I was 17 years old. All of my friends at 17 didn't want to stay friends with me (or weren't allowed to) and other women having kids were older.. so they didn't want to be friends with a mom who was a teenager. So, for the first few years of my daughter's life, I had nobody. Again, I had family, but that's not the same. Even if we want it to be.

I was okay with it, though. I had so much going on in my world that I didn't even notice I was alone. It wasn't until I started making friends when she was a little past 3 years old, that I realized how lonely I had been. Then my husband (at the time) and I got divorced, I moved back "home", and lost touch with all of those people. This time I absolutely noticed how alone I was. And it sucked.

Fast forward to being pregnant with my second daughter. I had all new people in my life, mostly not moms, and I was good with that. BUT, again, people don't really wanna hang out with the pregnant chick who's vomiting 16x a day. Especially when they've never experienced that before. So a lot of those people faded away. And that kind of sucked, but I understood it.

After Miss Spunky was born, I started meeting other moms. Mom's that pursued the same parenting style and had the same interests as me (breastfeeding, babywearing, homebirthing, cloth diapering, etc.). It was amazing to find a community that was so supportive and understood my world! FOR ONCE!

So I made friends. I made best friends. Do you know how long it had been since I had someone I considered a best friend? Yeah.... teen years. It was kind of incredible.

Alone Is Something You'll Be Quite A Lot..Unfortunately, all good things come to an end. Or, rather, not all good things are actually good. Over the past couple of years, I had gotten really close to several people... And every last one of them have just disappeared out of my life. For one reason or another (although none of these reasons have ever been disclosed to me), they all stopped wanting to be friends.

The first person that did this was truly painful. These are all long stories that I don't care to share, but I will say, it was a blow to the feels. I was heartbroken and depressed for months. This last person, though, didn't hurt. Even though I deeply care about her and her children (our kids were all close friends), I have learned that this is just what happens.

Losing mom friends is different. It's painful. And sad. You mourn the relationship. But it's so much worse than losing a friend when you're a kid.

Moms go to each other for advice and comfort. We have nights out with one another to escape our hum-drum SAHM lives. We call each other up, crying because our child was treated badly by another kid/a doctor/a random stranger. We confide in each other regarding our marital life/problems, when we're doubting our abilities as moms, and how we feel like we've lost ourselves to a lifestyle. We raise our kids together. Our spouses get to know one another. We take trips together. We grow alongside one another.

To lose all of that in a moment is....bizarre. Utterly unfathomable, and yet, I've gone thru it three times in less than two years.

There is a deafening loneliness that comes with being abandoned by another mom. Being alone when you have kids is just strange. Obviously, everyone is alone time to time. I was a single mom for years, so I was alone a lot. But becoming so accustomed to having a person to chat with or hang out with or just sit around in a room together while you play on your phones.... it's weird to lose it. It's weird to realize you are alone.

Alone Is Something You'll Be Quite A Lot..It's definitely a different kind of pain. One I don't feel like experiencing again.

I don't wish for this to happen to anyone, but if it does, know that you're not alone. Humans are strange creatures with complex personalities and broken brains (bad combo). Remember that people have their issues. Some of us deal with our issues in healthier ways, and some of us lash out at those we care for. And then sometimes people are just total jerks that didn't deserve your friendship in the first place, so DON'T EVEN SWEAT IT!

Either way, if you're going through something similar, take a deep breath. Don't replay every interaction you've had with that person over the past 6 months. Have a glass of wine. Play your favorite music. Cuddle with your kids. Have a chat with your spouse or even another friend. Be kind to yourself, as you never know when other people will choose to be unkind.

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